My first day in the BEAR CLUB

Well GUESS WHAT? Today I became a member of the BEAR CLUB. My Yellow Friend and my Purple Friend, Donny and Heywood, my Barbarian TWIN Twins, they got me in, I even met Mama Bear, the QUEEN of the Bear Club! And they have a BEAR CLUB CAMP with red and purple tents!

Well then these two other non-members came along. One of them, if I understood everything just right, one of them had made Mama Bear angry before. That was a SHORTIE lady named Tari Axehandle. So she wanted to make nice with Mama Bear. So she brought a gift, right? Oh and she had a tall fella with her too, and he seemed kinda fey… you know… (not that there’s anything WRONG with that). His boots were all pure clean and pure white too, like he walks on red carpets all the time or something. I guess he probably must be real important to someone. But Mama Bear wasn’t impressed, NO WAY! The “gift” they brought was some old cloak that had belonged to Mama Bear’s papa. (Grandpapa Bear? or… The Bear Formerly Known as Papa Bear?) But, well, heck, the cloak was all old and drab and dusty and UN-flower-like in SOOOO many ways.

So Mama Bear goes and asks me if the gift was acceptable. She asks ME! And there I was a newbie Bear Club member! Some first day in the club, whadda ya say to THAT, bucko?? I guess my Yellow Friend and Purple Friend must have some pretty heavy pull, ya?

Well what could I say? The cloak was all un-FLOWER-like, all drab, dusky, grey, UNdecorated… I’m sure waaay back when it was Papa Bear’s cloak it looked MUCH nicer. So I says - I says, heck why couldn’t they make it NICE before presenting it to Mama Bear, that’s what I says. (At least they could have wrapped it in floral paper and given it a nice ribbon SHEESH.) So I said NO it WASN’T acceptable. Oh, and that’s exactly what Heywood told me to say too. My Purple Friend says to me – FRITZ SAY NO. So well ya know Heywood’s a pretty smart fella, right?

So Mama Bear says the BLEH-looking grey cloak ain’t cuttin’ it. (Good for her-!!) So then Vino… Oh, do you know Vino? He’s as yellow as Donny. I guess they are in the same sub-club. Some special Bear Pair, those two, I think. So VINO challenges Axehandle to a DUEL of BEAR HONOR. And just like bears, they were supposed to fight without armor and weapons.

So Vino and Axehandle square off, right, right in the Bear Club Camp, right near the red and the purple tents. Right? Right. But Mama Bear stops the fight RIGHT off cause she says they aren’t naked enough. Oh – OH! See, I forgot to tell ya, when they said they had to fight without armor and weapons, I asked Heywood if the shortie chick was gonna get all naked, but he said NO. Well, Heywood IS a pretty smart fella, BUT this time he didn’t get it right.

So like I was saying, Mama Bear stops the fight right off and tells ‘em to get ALL naked and THEN to fight. Well, lemme TELL ya. That shortie gal Axehandle? She isn’t in the Bear Club but if she WAS in the Bear Club I’m sure no one would ever accuse her of not being HAIRY enough! When that gal stripped it all off it was, like, WOW, that’s one hairy dwarf lady!

Next I wanted to CHEER on my pal the Yellow Fellow Vino, but Mama Bear didn’t let me CHEER cheer him on. You know, with my FLOWER POWER cheer. So that was poopy, but – SHE’S the Mama Bear! So I didn’t fill Vino’s heart with flowers. But heck he still CLOBBERED that hairy Axehandle. She was a bloody, hairy, naked pulp when it was all said and done.

I felt a little bad. All she did was give a not-so-nice gift. But I guess I don’t really KNOW what she DID before that made Mama Bear so mad. But it was too bad to see her all beat like that, I guess. Even though she CHEATED.

Oh I didn’t tell you about THAT did I? Well the other Bears they tell me Axehandle’s a cleric of Nor. And there just before the fight she asks Nor for STRENGTH. So I wasn’t allowed to cheer for Vino, but Axehandle was getting extra strength from Nor… sheesh.

Maybe I should be extra nice to her if I see her again though. I’ll have to see what Heywood says.